SCENE: A grimly anonymous American sports bar on the fringes of a large American city. The bartender dejectedly polishes glasses behind the bar, with a series of glistening taps – Coors, Bud Light, Blue Moon – in front of him. On each wall is a TV blasting sports: a Nascar TV, a UFC TV, a baseball TV. A neon US flag flickers above the door. There are a series of emerald-green vinyl-covered booths along each wall, and a Big Buck Hunter arcade game next to the corridor leading to the toilets. An awful Spotify playlist of ill-matched songs – ‘Radioactive’ into ‘Party in the USA’ into that one Owl City song – tries to drown out the bellow of commentators and the earnest mutters of day-drinkers.
In one booth in the corner, furtively vaping and with a brace of empty, sudsy glasses in front of him, sits DAN, a low-level bicycle cycling journalist working for a website that has been blasting its readers with Amazon Prime Day deals all day. He is thousand-yard-staring at nothing, fidgeting with the strap of his Garmin. The bar door opens and his friend CHAD – an Australian, working in marketing, who’s moved to the US after a couple of relationship failures in quick succession – walks through, makes a beeline for the bar, orders two “craft beers” (Sierra Nevada Pale Ale), and slides into the booth across from DAN. The loud break of a pool game cracks the air.
CHAD: [gestures at the glasses in front of Dan with a concerned look] Tough day at the office?
DAN: [hollow chuckle] You have no idea.
CHAD: Wanna talk about it?
DAN: [waggles fingers around with a faux-cheerful grin] These dawgs are barking. Jeff Bezos, baby!
CHAD: [big exhale] Ah, man. Lay it on me, bro.
DAN: Right, so it’s been pretty shit every Amazon Prime Day for as long as I’ve been doing this, but god, today was something else. 15 articles, man! And a live-feed where we just post things in the hope of getting a cut of the sale.
CHAD: That is crazy. Sounds like Plantfest on steroids.
DAN: [musing] So … there was all the usual stuff. Best Wahoo Elemnt deals. Best Kask helmet deals. Bikes at an extra 15% off if you use our code. VPN affiliate links, so that if folks make a purchase having come from our website we get a kickback. You know the schtick.
CHAD: I mean, yeah. Ya see it everywhere.
DAN: But then, the bigwigs reckoned that a more personal touch would help swing it.
CHAD: Uh-oh …
DAN: [warming to the story] Yup. So we got this directive from the head of sales that we needed to inject a little human touch into the headlines – just to get people in the door, ya know?
CHAD: What does that look like?
DAN: [pulls out his phone and taps a link, before holding up to show Chad] Shit like this. “I have tested every yoga mat on the market, and you won’t believe how cheap my favourite is this Amazon Prime Day.”
CHAD: So is that your favourite yoga mat?
DAN: [fixes Chad with a piercing stare] Man, do I look like a Lululemon guy?
CHAD: So why say it?
DAN: Bigger clip of the ticket from Amazon, buddy.
[DAN takes a generous swig of his accessibly hopped beer]
CHAD: But isn’t that … lying?
DAN: My bro, isn’t it all? You work in marketing, it’s all about how you package the shit. Besides, I don’t even ride if it’s raining, why would I say I have a favourite high-vis jacket if it wasn’t for affiliate commerce clickbait?!
CHAD: Yeah, fair, but how do the readers know what to trust?
DAN: Dude, it’s broken all the way down. Half the reviews on Amazon are fake. All our listicles are stuffed with products that no one writing about them has even bloody used. Advertising revenue is way down, but at least this gives us a little back. Hate to say it, but it keeps the lights on …
CHAD: [meaningful pause] But are you happy?
DAN: Man, what do you think? Spare me the pity party.
[DAN downs the dregs of his Sierra Nevada, wordlessly gestures the empty bottle towards CHAD, who nods that he wants another one. DAN clumsily bum-shuffles himself from the booth, walks a bit wobbly to the bar and orders two Blue Moons, before returning to the table, only sloshing a little bit on his feet on the way as he weaves his way between barstools.]
DAN: [launching back into a monologue as he plonks the glasses down on the table] It’s not all that bad I guess. Sponsored content is way down, so I don’t need to go looking for clever angles on a roof-rack brand story. But there’s just no creativity, ya know? It’s just, email arrives from a PR ghoul selling pickleball paddles or whatever generic shit, we try and figure out if it’s close enough to the theme to jam it into a list, make sure we copy and paste the right URL so we get our cut and hope that enough people convert.
CHAD: Jesus.
DAN: What’s the alternative though, man? It’s screwed out there …
[DAN is quite animated by now, jabbing his finger towards CHAD to emphasise his points, which are many and loud]
… half the outlets have been bought up by venture capital wankers, then there’s the ones that are holding onto a print publication by their fingertips. It’s this constant battle between paywalls and reach and membership and AI and we’re just getting squeezed in the middle like a tube of chamois cream that’s 25% off because of Amazon Fucking Prime Day.
[CHAD nods uncertainly, slightly taken aback by DAN’s fervour, and discreetly wipes a fleck of spit from his cheek.]
DAN: [big exhale] At least there’s a bit of breathing space until Black Friday when I’ll have to liveblog discounts for another week.
CHAD: I’m sorry, bro. Sounds like you’re really feeling it right now.
DAN: [sarcastically raises his glass to clink against CHAD’s] Happy Jeff Bezos day, bro.
[CHAD and DAN sit in awkward silence for a moment or two, DAN picking at a plate of hot wings and CHAD absently watching the Pillow Fighting Championships on ESPN over his friend’s shoulder. ‘Blurred Lines’ plays over the PA. Eventually, wordlessly, they share a glance, rise in unison and head for the Big Buck Hunter arcade game to blast digital deer to oblivion.]
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