If you’ve spent enough time as a bike enthusiast, a well-meaning relative (/The Algorithm) will have informed you of something. There is, they will tell you – mirth dancing around the corners of their mouth – a pizza cutter. In the shape of a bicycle! Can you believe it? What will they think of next?
Etcetera.
Park Tool was the long-established market leader in this category with its PZT-2 cutter, a product described as featuring a “surprisingly ergonomic ‘penny farthing’-shaped handle and a super sharp, large diameter stainless steel cutting wheel to cut through even the toughest terrain.” If I had the Park Tool PZT-2, I might be able to “amaze [my] friends” and “show off to [my] in-laws”, as Park Tool’s marketing copy suggests.
But I intend to do neither, because I’ve bought a cheap and ugly knock-off from Anko, house brand of Kmart Australia (this is a licensee of Kmart USA; I don't know if you can get this exact product there or elsewhere but I believe in your abilities to figure it out).
The Kmart format appears, in all fundamental respects, to be the same as the cheap bicycle pizza cutters populating the internet: two wheels, drop bars, a primary-coloured plastic frame, and a little triangular stand. According to the Kmart website, it is “fun and functional” and “perfect for slicing through your favourite pizzas with ease.”
Perhaps wary of the tech-heads that might be considering this purchase, this retail juggernaut helpfully provides a spec list, which is why I now know that the frame is not mere ‘plastic’ but acrylonitrile butadiene styrene (ABS), and that the wheels are stainless steel with a non-stick coating (which probably means I’m about to consume some more forever chemicals).
How much would you expect such technical wizardry to cost? $10? $20? Ahh, you underestimate the commercial forces at play here. Three Australian dollars, my friends (approx US$1.95). Cheaper than AliExpress! Cheaper than the ones on Temu, even! What could possibly go wrong?
You've gotten this far and you don't want to know whether this thing actually works? Good grief. There's more after the jump, but you'll have to be a member to read it.
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