Nipples. I’ve got ‘em. You’ve (probably) got ‘em. The vast, vast majority of people in the world have ‘em: two little flesh studs on the breast, a vital part of the child-rearing process for women, a little chest umlaut for the fellas.
As ubiquitous as they are, I’m sure that in this broken world of ours there are a range of views on the nipple, ranging from puritanical to oversexualised, cringey to creepy. As with many body parts, that provokes a variety of responses: cover them up, put little pasties over them for ‘decency’, bury them deep deep down – even though they are totally 100% normal. Of all of the conceivable range of views on nipples, though, I’m betting most of us thought they would sit outside of the world of cycling. But, alas, no.
You know that Isaac del Toro guy? Youthful, Mexican, super-speedy, rides for UAE Team Emirates? Boy howdy, now there’s a dude with some nipples. In our heart of hearts we probably understood this fact at some deeper level already – you don't need blind faith when it’s the kind of thing that you can assume about every human, ya know? – but until this week we didn’t have any clear-cut documentation of their presence on his chest.
This all changed at Milano-Torino on Wednesday. The pre-Milan-San Remo appetiser ended on the Superga climb with a surge from Del Toro who crossed the finish line in an adamant first place, punching away from Ben Tulett (Visma-Lease a Bike) and Tobias Johannessen (Uno-X Mobility). In the process, he delivered a victory salute for the ages – a kind of bow thing like Tadej Pogačar sometimes does, arms outstretched. Great visuals! Immaculate vibes! Those are just a couple of the things you might be thinking. And, in the eyes of the powers that be, you’d be badly mistaken.
Cycling’s governing body, ever attentive in its pursuit of stricter regulation of the sport, does not seem to take kindly to acts of flair. Often this is trojan-horsed as being for reasons of safety: at Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne, for instance, Kaden Groves was relegated for his flagrant violation of UCI article 2.12.007 - 5.2 (by which I mean that he raised one fist in gentle celebration as his teammate Jasper Philipsen won the race).
But there are other rules that are troublingly open to interpretation, and seem cruel (or at least, deeply silly) in their enforcement. At last year’s Tour de France, Julien Bernard (Lidl-Trek) was fined for “damage to the image of sport” because he kissed his wife. And at Milano-Torino? Well, you can probably guess Isaac del Toro’s fate: the full force of UCI article 2.12.007-8.6 was enacted, earning him a 200 CHF (€208) fine and docking of all UCI points for the win. Because he had his nipples out.
I'm a reasonable guy: I know that there are 'reasons' for jerseys to be zipped up. Team sponsors like it, for starters. It gives the rider something tangible to point at if they want to thank their teammates for helping them to the win. I'll allow it probably even looks nice, in a sanitised, brand-compliant, airbrushed kind of a way. But sometimes it’s hot, and you’ve gotta get the nips out. And sometimes – as in the case of Del Toro – the zip of your all-in-one racesuit breaks, and you don’t really have any choice in the matter. The team tried to fix it. Del Toro tried to fix it. But, try as they might, the zip kept sliding on open, revealing the forbidden fruit within.
In a scenario like this, then, what’s a guy to do? For reasons of practicality, a full change wasn’t on the cards: and besides, imagine the catastrophic damage Del Toro’s televised penis might do to the image of sport. And then he slipped into the front group, rode to the win, and – like an absolute monster – conspired with his nipples to destroy cycling.
I’m glad the UCI exists, because every so often a commissaire does something like this: something that tars the whole organisation as joyless fuddy-duddies that are puritanical in their pursuit of a vision of cycling that looks a certain way (but must never, ever deviate from that).
There is a commissaire in Italy now, somewhere, who looked at Isaac del Toro’s victory salute and felt the colour drain from their face. “There are rules for a reason,” they thought, probably, as they bustled to the finish line with a hessian sack to throw over Isaac del Toro’s chest, over his blatant nipples. “That is a young man’s nipples at a minor race being beamed around the world, and this simply must not stand. If we don't crack down on this filth, what next? No, we must nip this in the bud."
There is a world in which an unintentional equipment malfunction which doesn’t actually make any difference to anybody would be handled as just that. But this is not that world, and here we are, with a cautionary tale and a message for Isaac del Toro and his banned nipples: you are simply too spicy for cycling.
But not for us.
Enhance.
Enhance.
Enhance.
Straight to jail.
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