I have a theory. Well, two theories.
Theory one: every cyclist has an aged stash of ride food in their garage, or kitchen cupboard, or handlebar bags, that goes out for the occasional bike ride and comes home again uneaten. Then it sits back on the shelf until its next little excursion. And repeat, ad infinitum.
Theory two (if theory one is disproven): I am a horrid little goblin, unique in having years-old gels, chews, powders and potions lying around.
Which is accurate? I guess I’ll find out in the comments.
Regardless, I was cleaning the garage on the weekend and stumbled across a bag of one thing, a pouch of another, and in no time had my arms full of a little pile of sporting sustenance. The only problem was the use-by date on each of the products, some of which stretched back to 2016 (reminder: that’s the expiry date, not when it was made, which was likely a couple of years earlier still).
That alone would’ve probably seen these bundled into most people’s bins – but where’s the fun in that? Time for some Science.
Testing/tasting methodology
Zero on-bike performance attributes were assessed. We are purely basing this on flavour, mouthfeel, smell, texture, and lingering shame. Each product was warmed to ambient temperature in the middle of a Melbourne late-Autumn day (approx 13C at time of consumption).
A portion of each product was placed into a small bowl to assess smell and viscosity; a separate full mouthful was consumed orally to assess taste and, presumably eventually, gastrointestinal distress. The bowl was handwashed between products for full integrity of testing. The drink mix was consumed dissolved (as much as possible, which is to say, still a bit chunky) in a glass of water. The glass was a little bit fancy, because I wanted to reassure myself that I wasn’t a total monster.
GU Stroopwafel
Flavour: Salty’s caramel.
Expiry: June 30, 2017 (seven years, 10 months and 19 days ago).
Still commercially available?: Yes.
Origin story: Received as a review sample, pre-Escape and pre-CyclingTips.
Prior experience with product: I remember liking the ones I’ve had. This one is pretty beaten up and crumbly, so I can only assume that the challenges of eating it on the move have condemned it to years at the bottom of a snack jar.
Texture: Mostly crumbs, some discernible chunks. Would be a choking hazard on the bike.
Smell: Like the biscuit base of an old cheesecake.
Tasting notes: Sandy, stale, with aftertaste of the smell of a child’s nappy after a big night of pissing. Hints of Anzac biscuit. Lingers more than I would prefer.
Would recommend?: Yes, but not at this vintage.
SIS Go Isotonic Energy gel
Flavour: Tropical.
Expiry: January 2022 (three years and three months ago).
Still commercially available?: Yes, seems to be, although out of stock on the Australian website.
Origin story: Zero clue where this came from or why.
Prior experience with product: None.
Texture: More rigid in the packaging than I’d ideally want a gel to be, but downright gloopy as it comes out.
Smell: Notes of cat urine.
Tasting notes: Thin and quite watery. Vaguely tropical but also a little bit like musk sticks or something? Slightly spicy. I wish it looked less like semen.
Would recommend?: A very hard pass.
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